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HappyNews.com Reporter Kidnapped, Butchered
The dismembered corpse of a reporter for the website HappyNews.com who went missing yesterday was discovered inside an abandoned house in Columbus, Ohio this morning.
Authorities say that 36 year-old Frank "Riggsy" Riggs, a field journalist for HappyNews, a website dedicated to disseminating "up-to-the-minute news geared to lift spirits and inspire lives", was reportedly lured to the residence by a caller claiming that neighbors had banded together to help refurbish the dilapidated home for its elderly, physically limited owner - only to be abducted, sexually assaulted and chopped into pieces by an unknown group of assailants.
According to Columbus Police Captain Brian Torpe, "A dog chewing on what turned out to be the victim's arm attracted the attention of some neighborhood children, who subsequently followed a trail of blood and human remains to the home where they discovered Riggs' pink tutu-clad torso in a puddle of urine - at which time they called 911 after dousing the body part with rubbing alcohol and setting it on fire."
A preliminary examination of Riggs' charred remains has revealed that his head is still missing and presumably suffering additional sexual abuse.
"Likely the perpetrators of this crime have retained Mr. Riggs' skull in the interest of sodomizing its various orifices for comedic effect, and possibly to use it as an ashtray once the last of the flesh rots off," Torpe remarked.
Meanwhile, HappyNews.com has yet to publically acknowledge the senseless murder of their colleague, whose personal page on the site was recently updated to indicate that he is currently on vacation someplace tropical, or Disneyland.
The brutal killing of Fred Riggs is the second act of violence to affect the positive thought industry in recent days after pirates machine-gunned a group of optimism trainees aboard a Good Mood Safari boat off the coast of New South Wales last Wednesday.
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