Woman Who Spent $4,000 on “Slimming” Handbag Still A Fat, Shallow Cunt

According to those familiar with her, the acquisition of a $4,000 handbag has done nothing to improve the public's opinion of Alexa Fletcher, a big, fat cunt from Laguna Beach, California.

"It's really cute, and it's a Diore, which is absolutely synonymous with chic," Fletcher gushed over the inanimate object slung over her shoulder as it performed the practical function of preventing her keys, credit cards and two Mrs. Field’s chocolate chip cookies wrapped in a napkin from falling onto the ground, "Also, by complimenting my body-type perfectly, it makes me look slimmer."

Contrary to the self-indulgent fantasies Fletcher has deluded herself with however, her new, preposterously priced purse has done more to convince those around her of the smallness of her brain and humanity than her humongous, hippo-sized ass.

"Do you know how many people that amount of money could feed?" pondered Sonya Leonard, Fletcher's hairdresser, "Oskar Schindler tormented himself for not pawning more of his possessions to save even more Jews than he did during the Holocaust while this fat cunt wakes up, sees tens of thousands of people flooded out of their homes in Mexico on the front page and says, 'I think I'll go spend four thousand dollars on something to cart a box of tic-tacs and a tampon around town in."

Despite being the proprietress of “Tranquil Treasures”, a small seaside art gallery specializing in landscape paintings featuring a prominence of sunsets, palm trees and sailboats that has never come close to making a profit since opening its doors in 2002, Fletcher has never suffered a dearth of discretionary income with which to make obscenely extravagant impulse purchases since divorcing her wealthy sports agent husband three years ago.

Anthony Maggiano, owner of a Zagat rated Italian restaurant which, despite being located next door to Tranquil Treasures, has never been patronized by Fletcher due to its use of paper napkins, remarked, “I used to think such lavish expenditures were a vulgar indulgence of one’s vanity, but after witnessing this bag’s uncanny ability to transform that fat horse's dumpy, gelatinous form into a body I could easily mistake for that of an Olympic gymnast as it doesn't so much as waddle and greedily suck air as it does glide seemlessly across the street to Monsieur Marcel’s everyday at noon for a twenty dollar hamburger, I recognize now that it was worth every penny for that narcissistic pig.”