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Sloppy Shooter Kills 2, Wounds 44

A heavily armed man walked into an office building in Summerville, Georgia this afternoon and opened fire, wounding 44 but killing only 2.

The shooter, identified as 33 year-old Colin Thiel of Clayton, stalked the building for nearly ten minutes and fired hundreds of rounds from an array of automatic and semi-automatic weapons before putting a gun to his own head and grazing his ear, officials report.

According to National Rifle Association representative Leo Johnson, Thiel's lack of marksmanship is symptomatic of a national epidemic.

"Extrapolating from mass murder kill-ratios, America's firearm accuracy has been on a steady decline for decades," lamented Johnson, "Unfortunately, the numbers don't lie."

Data shows that despite a nationwide explosion of interest in committing mass shootings, America's gunmen are killing less and less of their targets, suggestive of a prevailing casualness toward the craft of shooting people.

"Charles Whitman shot eleven people dead from the 28th floor of a tower at the University of Texas in 1966, and 45 years later our kids can barely wing their history professor from ten feet. It's really quite disturbing if you think about it," said Johnson.

Johnson says the solution to fixing America's broken aim is simple.

"Practice, practice, practice," he said, "Hit the range. It's not enough to just own guns. You need to know how to use them. What if Canada or Mexico invaded tomorrow? It could happen."

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