February 9, 2005              [home]  [contact]  [links] [disclaimer] [boycott list]

Family Raises Household Security Alert Status to ‘Brown’ with Impending Arrival of Kyle “Poopy Pants” Lindeburger

The McFaddens of 4615 Rattletrap Road elevated the color code of their Household Security Alert Status to ‘brown’ today after Julie McFadden consented to her son Dakota’s request that his friend Kyle “Poopy Pants” Lindeburger sleep over.  The decision to ‘go brown’ for the third time this year – with each occasion coinciding with overnight visits from Lindeburger - was made in response to the seven year old boy’s notoriety for defecating in his pants.

Dakota’s father Bill remarked, “Well, to be fair to the kid, he’s only pooped his pants once while he was over here, and that was over a year ago, but a recent interrogation of my son revealed that he also befouled himself during a class trip to the Natural History Museum five months ago and again at a mutual friend’s birthday party in April.  So all things considered, I had no choice but to increase our alert status in order to keep everyone on their toes and hopefully avoid a messy disaster and expensive carpet cleaning bill that we can’t afford.”

Despite the obvious threat posed by alliances with unseemly figures such as the incontinent Lindeburger, circumstances have historically compelled the family to maintain them.  Namely, due to the McFadden’s hereditary lack of physical attractiveness and scant financial resources that prevent them from purchasing expensive toys and trendy clothes, their children are perpetually unpopular amongst their peers and are forced to plumb the depths of the adolescent social strata for companionship.

“I would put my foot down and forbid Kyle from setting foot in our house, or at least make him wear some diapers for Christ sake, but sadly he’s just about the best Dakota can do in the friend department and I wouldn’t want to spoil it,” explained Bill, who paused to sigh and scratch at a cheese stain on his worn white t-shirt, “Yeah, its pretty much been one long parade of geeky little nose-pickers, bed-wetters and pant-shitters coming through that door.”

The alert status color change reflects the highest level of danger facing the family since they were at ‘code blue’ last week, when 10 year old Sarah McFadden brought home an epileptic friend with a tendency to knock breakables from tables and shelves during seizures.  Fortunately however, the heightened state of emergency should be short lived as Kyle will only be in the house an estimated 12-14 hours.

Commented Mr. McFadden: “We’ll be at brown for just a little while, and then things should turn back to normal for awhile.  That is, until we have to go ‘code red’ before Julie gets her period and turns into a raving lunatic for a few days.  That’s when the shit really hits the fan.”