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Braemar Estates Residents WARNING: Super Predators at Large
Home Owners Association-Alert!
As you’re probably aware, an influx in crime has beset our community - punctuated last week with the discovery of several lawn chairs floating in the clubhouse pool. We must acknowledge that despite the gates that surround our community and the fine security force we hire to patrol it, we still live within a very dangerous society and should remain always vigilant. Towards this end, our security service, Five Star Security, has released the following publication describing the most common and most dangerous criminals that we should all be on the lookout for.
***Important: If you encounter any of these "Super Predators" within Braemer Estates, do not approach them. Call Five Star Security headquarters at #512 from any community phone immediately.
Urban Gang Members
Urban gang members (often called "Crips" or "Bloods") have increasingly been infiltrating the suburbs in recent years. Utterly ruthless, this brand of super-predator seeks to feed his seemingly insatiable appetite for money, drugs, sex, and delinquent stardom by any lawless means necessary. He is also known to kill white people, who he blames for his disadvantaged social status, completely without provocation or for merely looking into his eyes while he vandalizes your garage door. Urban gang members are commonly seen "cruising" on low riding bicycles, and dress in plain white or black t-shirts with red or blue bandanas (or flags) hanging from their back pockets.
Anarchists and Eco-terrorists
Driven by a distorted political ideology which vilifies capitalism and consumerism, this group has no respect for the law or the sanctity of private property. These delinquents are known to target SUVs, homes under construction, and franchise coffee bars for vandalism and/or complete destruction, all in the name of their bizarre, radical beliefs. The anarchist/eco-terrorist is quite cunning - possessing an uncanny ability to blend in with the normal population during the day, they don their distinctive all black costumes late at night to commit their heinous acts of sabotage against an unsuspecting population.
By far the most prevalent Super Predator amongst suburban communities, these loud, sticky fingered little rascals shouldn’t be taken lightly on account of their cute, harmless appearance. When not stalking the streets in unsupervised herds screaming their lungs out, these little criminals satisfy their self-centered, miscreant impulses by knocking an endless variety of balls through windows, trampling flower beds, careening their skateboards into parked cars, and throwing foreign objects into innocent swimming pools. Typically within the ages of 5 and 11, the spoiled brat is usually one of your neighbor’s kids and can be found drinking the soda out of your garage if you leave it open and unattended for more than two minutes.
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