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Remains Found Behind First Pup Major's Dog House ID'd as Postmaster General

Human remains found buried behind President Biden's dog Major's residence on the White House's south lawn have been identified as those of Post Master General Louis DeJoy.

DeJoy, who had been missing since last week, was discovered in several pieces after a maintenance worker noticed a human hand protruding from a patch of disturbed soil near the German Shepherd's dog house Tuesday afternoon.

"He's really a sweet dog," First lady Jill Biden said of the 3 year-old shelter adoptee. "I think he's still adjusting a bit to his new surroundings."

Major, who has bitten at least seventeen people since moving to the White House - including a National Parks employee who lost an eye when the dog launched itself at his face this morning - will reportedly receive additional obedience training in an effort to curb his aggressive behavior.

"It's the strangest thing, because Major gets along with at least seventy to eighty percent of the people he enounters," Biden mused. "Some people just set him off, though."

DeJoy, who had to be identified from dental records due to the extreme mutilation of his body, is survived by his spouse and two children. He was 63 years old.

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