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Five Dead, Twelve Wounded in Mass Cliche

ANAHEIM, CA - The Anaheim Fashion Center was the scene of a mass cliche this afternoon when a gunman opened fire on shoppers with a semi-automatic rifle, killing 5 and wounding 12 before being shot to death by police.

The shooter, who police have yet to identify but is almost certain to be a white male in his early 20s, entered the mall at 2:30 pm and "just started firing", impassive witnesses reported.

"I felt a bullet go through my leg and was like, you've got to be kidding. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, on the news every week for the last ten years," remarked one victim, "Then I felt another bullet go through my shoulder and was all, seriously? Give me a break."

Evidence collected from the shooters body, including hundreds of rounds of ammunition and two handguns, has lead police to determine the shooting was premeditated, but highly derivative.

"The shooter definitely put some thought into this, just not very much," commented Orange County Police Department spokesman Michael Stokley, "We've seen this all before. Lots of times. The shooting showed no real originality or imagination - like the perpetrator assumed the extreme violence by itself would be enough to make a big impression."

Stokley revealed that OCPD personnel largely panned this latest mass shooting, giving it a total rating of 2 stars out of a possible 5.

 
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