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Joe Mauer Demands Trade to Yankees from Minnesota "Losers"

Joe Mauer wants out of Minneapolis. Right now.
Mauer, the homegrown fan-favorite who signed a $184 million contract extension to continue catching for the Minnesota Twins through 2018 in March, issued a demand to be traded to the New York Yankees during an hour-long television special titled "The Reconsideration" last night on ESPN.

"I don't want to wake up a 31 year-old athlete with bad knees, no ring, and still on this crap team," Mauer said of his decision, "There's a word for people who spend their whole lives in Minnesota: 'losers'."

Mauer's announcement ended weeks of speculation over the four-time All-Star's future, during which time he has stopped running out ground balls, fly balls and home runs.

"I don't know what I was thinking signing on again with this team. I should have my head examined," Mauer told ESPN's Joe Morgan.

"Fuck Minnesota," Mauer tweeted after the show's airing.

Emphasizing that winning means more to him than money, Mauer explained that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn't extend his contract with the Twins even if they offered him one billion dollars, because they "suck".

"It really says something about a franchise when your best all-time player is Kirby Puckett. Fuck that guy," Mauer said.

Asked by Morgan whether a World Series won by joining a stacked team like the Yankees would be as satisfying as capturing the title as the central figure of his hometown club, Mauer scoffed, calling the suggestion, "The most retarded thing I've ever heard".

"There are three things you can set your calendar by in Minnesota," Mauer said, "Wrestling polar bears in the winter, fighting off mosquitoes the size of your head in the summer, and the Twins being home in time to watch the American League Championship Series in the Fall."

In an open letter to the team's fans, Minnesota Twins owner Jim Pohlad has called Mauer's demand a "perfidious travesty".

"Jim Pohlad can suck it," retorted Mauer.

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Winners of Trinity High School's 15th Annual Christian Science Fair