John McCain Outpacing Democrats in Last Will and Testament Money

John McCain has established a commanding lead over his Democratic rivals in campaign money secured by inheritance, a new report shows.

According to The Washington Post, McCain had netted a total of $8 million from the last will and testaments of his supporters through the end of February, more than ten times the amount inherited by Clinton and Obama combined.

“It’s certainly emerging as a rather significant source of funds for his campaign,” remarked Post Elections Analyst Cliff Stevens, “The only downside being the fact that so many of his supporters will be dead before getting a chance to cast their ballots in November.”

Nonetheless, McCain’s inherited contributions are helping him partially negate his lackluster performance in generating campaign cash online relative to both Clinton and Obama – a problem whose solution has been hampered by the refusal of younger, more computer savvy Americans to help their more conservative senior relatives understand how to complete monetary transactions over the internet.

“I love my grandma, but I’m sorry, I’m not helping her give money to McCain,” said John Vogel, a 28 year-old supporter of Barack Obama, “Perhaps I'd feel differently if she was the one who was going to have to live through half of another 100 years in Iraq while the country went down the tubes and I was the one who was going to kick the bucket any day now, but as it is, not so much.”

Indeed, as hundreds of elderly would-be contributors fruitlessly wait by their mailboxes for further instruction from Mr. Google on how to make their donations, and thousands of dollars in cash, checks and money orders are left to languish in CD trays and floppy drives of computers across the country, McCain’s camp is increasingly relying on more traditional means of raising money in 2008.

“Funds acquired through the telephone or regular mail from McCain supporters or the executors of their estates are just as good as money collected through the internet, the last time I checked,” commented McCain’s campaign manager Rick Davis.

Davis added that McCain looks forward to collecting another $1.5 million this week after travelling to Louisiana to spend a night in a haunted mansion.