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Student Kills 47 at Military School, Voted Valedictorian

An 18 year-old who killed 47 at a military school last month was unanimously voted valedictorian by survivors of the slaughter this week.

Patrick Kline will deliver the traditional annual address to those members of his graduating class at Ulysses S. Grant Military Academy in Point Pleasant, Ohio he didn't murder with dispassionate, methodical precision and a diverse arsenal of weapons wielded with consummate expertise in the early hours of February 26th.

"This young man is a cold blooded killing machine," lauded Sergeant Major Robert Steele, who assumed the office of Headmaster of Grant Academy after his predecessor was garroted with a wire in his car by Kline the morning of the blood bath, "Never has there been a student more deserving of the honor."

Kline, who spent only 23 bullets to kill 28 of his classmates, teachers and members of the local police from a myriad of automatic and semi-automatic firearms before reverting to an array of less conventional handheld weapons and even his bare fists to dispatch another 19, including the academy's martial arts instructor, whose trachea he crushed with a roundhouse kick to the throat, discovered his calling in life after a batch of nerve gas he formulated from common household chemicals earned him last place at a science fair hosted by his former civilian school.

"It worked. It killed 9 people, and they gave first prize to some experiment on herbal alternatives to antibiotics," said Kline, "That's when I knew. You can't wipe out al-Qaeda with peppermint flowers."

After graduating, Kline says he looks forward to serving in Iraq or Afghanistan and, "Killing as many of those motherfuckers as is humanly possible."

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