Murderball for the Criminally Insane Match Assumes Literal Meaning Yet Again – Three Perish

After a long tournament short on exciting highlight worthy play, yesterday’s murderball for the criminally insane championship between Crestview Mental Institute and Camarillo State Hospital was a thriller that gave the term ‘sudden death’ whole new meaning as overtime was needed to resolve the contest that witnessed the gruesome deaths of one player, a fan and a referee.

The deaths bring the total killed playing indoor rugby to forty-six since 2004, when the sport first branched out from it’s origins as a game strictly for wheelchair bound quadriplegics to include the mentally handicapped, and in particular, the criminally insane.

The match got off to a poor start for Crestview when they lost their star defenseman Jari Kreitz to emotional despondency in the first period after Kreitz shoved the ball up his uniform, announced he was pregnant and demanded five thousand dollars from the referee only to have it ripped from his shirt bottom by Camarillo State’s Clyde Gunderson, who then proceeded to copulate with a hole he created in it with his teeth while informing Kreitz of what he was doing to his ‘baby’ and how it felt.

“That was incredible. To see a man who’d once sucked the eyeball straight out of a man’s head, chew it and spit it back into his face run off the court and out of the building crying like an infant was something else. Definitely worth the price of admission. I hate that Kreitz,” remarked one Camarillo State fan.

Trailing 4-1 in the second period, Crestview quickly capitalized on a major misconduct penalty against Camarillo State’s Francis “Baby Steak” Douglas for clubbing back up Crestview center Steve Marconi over the head with his own arm before urinating on the dismembered appendage as Marconi lay bleeding to death when they scored twice within the first four minutes of Douglas’s ten minutes in the box.

“That was certainly the turning point,” spoke Camarillo State coach Michael Murphy, “After getting up big, the sight of all that blood certainly took our boys’ minds off our game plan.”

Indeed, their bloodlust heightened, Camarillo State racked up thirty-four more penalty minutes throughout the rest of the game and even had to spend its final fourteen minutes sitting on the floor after Marcos “El Maricon” Camacho incurred a bench penalty for bludgeoning the mother of Crestview’s assistant coach to death with his chair as she watched from the front row of the stands. Unable to get back on track, Camarillo State eventually lost 5-4 in overtime on a mid-court lob shot into an empty net after goalie Charlie Hamilton wandered away to go masturbate into a nearby water fountain.

“A lot of these matches don’t live up to the level of excitement the league advertises in their promos, which make it seem like every game is full of non-stop decapitations, eviscerations and hot excrement facials, but this one was truly awesome. I was glad I chose today to bring my boy and his Cub Scout troop along.”