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Neil Young Put on Life Support after Musicians Declared Endangered Species

Within hours after successfully lobbying the International Union for the Preservation of Nature to designate the world's remaining musicians an endangered species, dozens of iconic artists have begun to be put into protective custody in the US, Britain, and other countries around the world.

"It is an unpleasant measure, but sadly, it must be done," IUPN spokesman Peter Whittaker, who personally oversaw the capture of Phil Collins, Roger Waters, Joy Division's Peter Hook and the surviving members of Spandau Ballet for conservation at a site that will soon serve as England's first musician themed zoo in Liverpool, lamented. "We have just lost so many recently, and there are so few to replace them."

The passing of Prince, David Bowie, George Michael, Leonard Cohen, Phife Dawg and Glenn Frey in 2016 alone, with scarce new acts capable of writing songs anyone will ever listen to for more than a few months before forgetting completely was also behind the decision by the American Cultural Preservation Society to quarantine the last two Beastie Boys and put Neil Young on life support despite the rocker not currently suffering from any diagnosable health condition.

"It's for our own good," ACPS Suprvisor Martin Bettancourt said.

In the US, Chris Cornell, Willie Nelson, Chrissie Hynde, Slayer and The Red Hot Chili Peppers amongst others have all been forcibly removed from current tours to be isolated for the purposes of study and possible breeding.

"Unfortunately Chrissie, Kim Gordon and both ladies from the B-52s are no longer fertile," Bettancourt remarked. "However, we have initiated an effort to cross Tom Petty with the girl from The Arcade Fire which should be interesting."

Meanwhile, all of Counting Crows and David Matthews have been hunted down and killed.

 
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