Rape and Murder Rates Return to Normal as New Year's Resolutions Fade

Crime reports from police agencies around the country indicate that the nation's rape and murder rates are returning to normal after an abrupt decline last week.

NYPD Deputy Inspector Cedric Moreland attributed the dip to the cycling of the calendar, referring to a phenomenon dubbed the "New Year's Loop".

"Every year around this time we see a big drop in rape and murder numbers, especially of children and prostitutes, as quitting raping and killing people is a popular New Year's resolution amongst rapists and murderers," Moreland said.

"The kids and hookers get about a week break, then it's pretty much back to business as usual," added Moreland.

Decades of statistics and testimonials from criminals themselves corroborate the New Year's Loop theory.

Remarked one serial killer, who requested to remain anonymous: "This year I promised myself I'd quit killing whores, but then comes that craving… and I remember they're basically begging to be killed, on account they're such whores."

Another man, "Rob", also admitted to having poor luck keeping his New Year's resolutions.

"Last year I resolved to stop molesting kids. This year it's smoking. Let's hope I have better luck with the smoking," he said.