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New Year's Tips for Losers (Like You)

Set goals, not resolutions. For example, make it your goal to not be such a fat disgusting lard.

Be realistic. The surest way to fall short of your goal is to make your goal unattainable. For instance, saying you'll be more involved in the lives of your children by never missing another one of their boring plays or soccer games isn't very realistic. Start with maybe shooting for a 30% appearance rate.

Who says you even have a drinking problem anyway? Them? Well, they sure are all high and mighty, aren't they? Think they're better than you. The bastards. They're not better than shit. Fuuuuuuuck them.

Plan ahead. Decide how you will deal with the temptation to reach for that cigarette or slice of cake. If you find yourself itching to light up, treat yourself to a nice meal instead. If compulsive snacking is your weakness, consider taking up smoking.

Tell your friends and family about your plans to improve yourself. That way, when you fail, you'll suffer not only your own personal disappointment, but the shame that comes from embarrassing yourself in the eyes of others, which you will so richly deserve.

Remember: you will fail, so don't beat yourself up. Unless your resolution was to stop beating yourself up, in which case there won't be any helping it.

Try enlisting the help of a licensed hypnotherapist to help you achieve your goals. If you find yourself in a gym every day making a fool of yourself dancing uncontrollably and singing into a dumbbell at the top of your lungs to that "Meet Me in the Middle" song that comes on the sound system every 30 god damn minutes, you know it's working.

Track your progress with a graph. For example, start a horizontal line outward from January 1st that connects all the days you don't blow a guy you met on Tinder in a seedy hotel followed by one vertical line straight down.

Keep it simple. Instead of setting your goals to high, try achieving them in a piecemeal process. For example, instead of betting on three games on Sunday, only bet on one - unless the Patriots somehow don't cover the spread, in which case naturally you should put money on an afternoon game to cover your loss, followed by a quadruple-or-nothing play Monday night if the fucking Jaguars blow it again.

Honestly, why do you even give a shit, anyway? We'll all be dead soon.

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