Government Invents New Drug, Declares Half-Ass War on it

President George Bush declared war yet again today, this time one of a disingenuous variety on the drug 3-bromo-1,4 dimethyl-phenethylamine, a powerful and addictive new narcotic recently invented by CIA sponsored scientists to fund the counterinsurgency in Iraq.

The nature and projected impact of the new drug was described in a Central Agency memo shown here:

Experts report the drug’s high potential for inducing psychotic behavior combined with its intense yet relatively short-term addictive properties make it an ideal tool for the cultivation of a large low-cost prison labor force for a number of corporations well positioned with the government.

“I could see this drug being a major boon for companies in the manufacturing sector as well as those requiring a significant amount of customer service as this sort of labor could be shifted to the prison population relatively easily. For instance, Delphi’s union problems might be short lived in a post-BDP America,” commented Economics Professor Lewis Hunter of Stanford University.

Meanwhile, even as the drug is just now beginning to be distributed by members of street gangs receiving anonymous drop-offs of large boxes of BDP in the middle of the night, the federal and many state governments have already begun to “get tough” on the narcotic by advocating the institution of “1 Strike and You’re Out” enforcement policies while re-allocating funds for the construction of new prisons, the hiring of additional prison guards and the development of drug prevention programs in more affluent communities.

Proclaimed the President during a morning press conference: “Three bromo whatever is a terrible drug that has the potential to do great harm to our nation’s most vulnerable inner city neighborhoods. In fact, it is so strong you could drink an entire fifth of bourbon without feeling the booze or being able to sleep; but make no mistake, we will fight the war on whatchamacallit the way we have fought every other war we’ve fought – to win. That is why I am urging the state governments of our union to enact no-tolerance laws against this future scourge immediately to avert disaster.”