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US Government Introduces "No-Fuck List"

The US government announced today the creation of a "No-Fuck List" designed to prevent people whose potential to reproduce is deemed a threat to the future well-being of the country.

Touted as a significant advance in counter-shitheadery, the list reportedly contains the names of over 12 million Americans with whom it will become a federal offense to have sexual intercourse with as of August 1st.

Despite its staggering size, Department of Homeland Security Assistant Deputy Secretary Richard Harlan indicates that stringent criteria were applied in developing the No-Fuck List, such that those on it have "demonstrated a seemingly innate inability to conduct themselves in a way that doesn't make those around them sick".

"Rest assured, if you haven't used the internet to disseminate material that suggests President Obama is a Marxist, you don't routinely park down the middle of two parking spots to keep people away from your big flaming car nobody gives a shit about or eat a six-month old gorilla's weight in Doritos and meat while living vicariously through video game characters on your couch, you should be free to fuck," Harlan said.

Added Harlan:  "To clarify, the objective of this list is to preempt the further propagation of the worst of the worst – for instance, people who stop twenty feet before the next car at a red light, then inch forward a foot at a time every few seconds until the signal changes, or people who say the word 'like' ten thousand times a day without coming within a country mile of a simile."

Addressing concerns that the new No-Fuck List will lead to profiling, the government confirmed that this is true.

"If you have big, floppy man-tits or look like a meth-addicted zombie whore, you will be on the list," DHS spokeswoman Natalie Weeks said.

Weeks nonetheless pointed out that people who've been placed on the No-Fuck List are not without recourse.

"An individual who has been put on the list can have his fucking privileges reinstated," Weeks noted, "That is, if that individual can somehow pull their head out of their ass and get their shit together."

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