North Koreans Test Nuclear-Fired Bobsled

In a major show of defiance to the international sporting community, North Korea test-launched a nuclear-fired bobsled today outside of Kaesong.

Coming just days after the rogue nation announced that it would participate in this year's Winter Olympic Games, the bobsled, reportedly capable of reaching a velocity of 1,300 MPH in under two seconds, would likely be hard to beat.

"The People's Sled #1 will shatter the current world record of 54.8 seconds by more than 54 seconds," North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un boasted.

Incapable of navigating the turns of a bobsled course in any traditional fashion at such speeds, the sleigh was presumably designed to blast through them directly toward the finish line - a journey that would assuredly cause the death of anyone onboard.

"Our sledders are prepared to make any sacrifice necessary," Jong-un remarked. "The People's Sled was built to bring glory for the people of North Korea and shame to the West."

None of the sleigh's four-man crew was made available for questions.