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Verizon Counters Apple's iPhone with New O-Phone

Just two weeks since Apple announced the introduction of its new iPhone, a portable device that combines iPod, digital camera, internet and personal computing technology in one cellular phone, Verizon has raised the stakes in the mobile handset market by unveiling their new O-Phone, a product that not only boasts all the features of an iPhone and more, but is shaped to also double as a recreational sex device.

"In addition to possessing all the applications of an iPhone, the O-Phone contains a lighter, a blood alcohol level detector, can be empoyed as a taser for self defense, and is contoured to provide sexual gratification when inserted into the user's vagina or anus," proclaimed Verizon CEO Ivan Seidenberg.

According to online documents, the O-Phone can also be used as a tape recorder, flashlight, laser pointer, fingernail clipper and mini-vacuum with the purchase of an additional optional attachment.

"I think it's great," remarked one expectant customer, "Finally there's a mobile phone I can use to play my favorite music, browse the web and shove up my ass."

Despite its promise of allowing customers to throw out their old cell phones, MP3 players, wireless computer devices and dildos, the introduction of the O-Phone hasn't come without its share of criticism. Specifically, its detractors point out the O-Phone's obvious shortcomings as a sexual device for heterosexual men, safety issues associated with its use as a sex toy while driving, and its inability to receive a signal while inside the user's body.

Responded Verizon spokeswoman Victoria MacDaniel, "Firstly, Verizon does not endorse the use of any of the O-Phone's applications while operating a motor vehicle. Secondly, we are currently in the process of refining both the inherent complications of designing a product that will support male sexual gratification as well as the transmission issues responsible for preventing users from making or receiving calls while their unit is inserted within one of their orifices."

The Verizon O-Phone is scheduled to be released for sale in early February.

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