Obama Seizes Absolute Power with "Night of Long Knives"

The 2012 election previously scheduled for November 6th has been cancelled and Barack Obama has declared himself President for life in the aftermath of an overnight purge of the federal government.

Dubbed "The Night of the Long Knives", the purge saw the execution of many key opponents to Obama's regime, including Supreme Court Justices Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia, Samuel Alito and Anthony Kennedy, House Speaker John Boehner, and every Republican member of the Senate.

Several other prominent conservatives were also assassinated in the purge, including the Koch brothers and singer Hank Williams Jr., who drew criticism recently for comparing Obama to Hitler. Williams' body was discovered in an industrial oven this morning.

According to an unnamed insider, Boehner was first taken to a prison outside of Washington D.C. where he was provided a firearm and permitted ten minutes to kill himself, after which time he was gunned down by members of Obama's secret police.

Those in the vicinity of the FBI building reported hearing volleys of gunshots from firing squads operating within its courtyard until the predawn hours.

"Today a terrible plot against America has been averted," Obama declared in a speech he delivered on the floor of Congress today, "This vermin that has been exterminated bore the worst treachery in world history and shall serve as precedent for all other undisciplined characters and diseased elements that might require such summary amputation in the future."

America's supreme leader's words were met with a standing ovation from all those in attendance amidst shouts of "Hail Obama!"