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Study: 2012 Presidential Election to be Determined by Some Asshole in Ohio
A new study issued by the Fillmore Institute of Public Opinion Research indicates that the 2012 presidential election will be determined by some asshole in Ohio.
The study, which applied an elaborate algorithm integrating demographic voting patterns and the quirks of America's electoral college system, identified 48 year-old Tom Waddle of Herndon, Ohio as the individual who will ultimately decide whether Mitt Romney will be the next President of the United States, or Barack Obama will serve another four years.
Waddell, a father of two and assistant manager of a Sleep Tight Mattress outlet store on route 32, has voted in the past 3 presidential elections in a row despite confessing to 'not being all that political'.
"I do my duty, but I don't know much about all that stuff," he said.
Judging from Waddell's historical methods of candidate selection, the next President of the United States would be well-advised to focus on intangibles.
"I guess I usually just go with my gut," Waddell said, "Like last time around – I voted for Obama because McCain looked like he could drop dead any second and leave that cuckoo broad in charge."
Waddell also recalled his decision to vote for the Republican candidate in 2004, despite his opinion that "Bush obviously had shit for brains", based on his perception that John Kerry was "a bit too faggy".
Pressed as to whether he was leaning one way or the other this year, Waddell demured.
"Oh, I don't know," he pondered, "Romney seems like one of them blue-blooded country club douche bags, but on the other hand Obama wants to start running the country on windmills, which sounds kind of gay."
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