Being An Ax Murderer Is Harder Than It Looks
By: An Up And Coming Axe Murderer

If you're anything like I was before I first tried breaking into the ax murdering business, you probably think it's a piece of cake. You probably think, hey, what's there to it? You get an ax, go hide in someone's closet or whatever, and when they come in to hang up their coat, you jump out and chop them up. Easy, right? Wrong. Trust me, I've been at it now for over a month, and it's not so simple.

Of course I guess I should've guessed that, like pretty much everything from getting lucky with chicks to robbing banks, stuff is always harder in real life than how it's portrayed in the movies, but after watching every Halloween and Friday the Thirteenth film about a hundred times each I thought it'd be a cinch. Boy was I wrong.

I mean, just think about it - Jason and Michael Myers never had to deal with any of the sticky logistics of ax murdering. They just seemed to always be in the right place at the right time while wielding an ax or whatnot, and thanks to the audiences' willingness to suspend their disbelief, could magically disappear after slaughtering their victim. It isn't like that in the real world, though. No, sir.

Indeed, despite my love for hitting people about the head and torso with tools designed to cut down trees, I'm not exactly willing to give up my condo and go live like some weirdo caveman out in the woods, and killing people in the city poses its own unique problems. For instance, any ax murderer worth his salt knows that walking down the middle of main street butchering people willy-nilly is a guaranteed way to cut your career short and earn yourself a ticket to the graybar hotel, while the act of breaking into someone's home isn't exactly the least complicated of propositions - especially these days with all the modern locks and security systems and such. Just try and explain what your doing shimmying up a drain pipe towards the open window of a second story apartment wearing a Krusty the Clown mask with an ax strapped to your back to a cable company employee some time. That took some quick thinking.

Furthermore, even the actual murdering part isn't all that easy. An ax isn't like a gun or a knife that you can stick in someone real quick before they have a chance to run away or, in the case of my first attempt to chop someone up, get ahold of their mace, and trust me, you can't compromise on the arch you use on the swing to speed up the process, either. I learned that one the hard way with my second victim to-be when the blade didn't penetrate the skull and the chick went running out the front door with my ax stuck in her head screaming like a banshee for the whole neighborhood to see. I still don't know how I got out of that one.

And as if all that weren't enough, say you were successful at killing someone with your ax. Now what? You're a big gory mess holding a freakin' bloody axe of all things. Good luck convincing the people that you're a lumberjack on the ride home, and driving your own car risks the possibility that someone will take down your license plate number. Naturally you can always take a shower and use your victim's washer and dryer to clean your clothes, but the less time spent at the crime scene the better. What a headache!

Of course I've learned from all these dilemmas, and today I'm a much better ax murderer than I was just three weeks ago - my breaking and entering skills have really improved, I've mastered the speed and velocity of that crucial first chop, and I've learned the importance of bringing a change of clothes, a baseball bat bag for the ax, and handsoap to my victims' houses to facilitate my egress. It's been a journey though, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise - ax murdering is harder than it looks.