Someone Should Pass Some Laws to Protect Me from My Big Fat Drunken Dumb Ass
By: Tucker Johnson

Hey, there. How's it going? Not so good here. I'm a fucking blimp, my blood pressure is off the chart, and at the age of thirty-five my doctor says I'm overdue for a heart attack unless I cut out all my bad habits and start living healthy. Sadly however, on top of being an enormous drunken pig, I'm a complete fucking imbecile with the self control of a six year old, so unless our do-nothing government starts passing some laws banning these deadly products that I can't keep my fat paws from shoving into my greedy, gaping pie hole all damn day, then I might as well lay down and die.

Seriously, what good is modern society if it can't keep dumb asses like me from becoming victims of natural selection by killing ourselves with stupid choices we're too weak to avoid making? Last time I checked, that's what civilization is supposed to be all about - turning the natural order of the universe upside down so the morons not only survive but reproduce fastest. Well, not as long as I can waddle my way down to TGI Fridays and order a 2,500 calorie three course combo of fried macaroni and cheese, a bacon cheeseburger and Oreo chocolate cake for dessert! How is this legal?! What am I supposed to do, moderate my intake of food like a mature adult? As long as Carl's Jr. is allowed to advertise guacamole bacon double cheeseburgers on television, mental infants like me will never be able to settle for soup and salad at lunch time, and we will continue to lead shortened lives as lonely, miserable fat bodies before dropping dead at the age of forty. Abominable.

Furthermore, the continued non-prohibition of alcohol is a crime. Thousands of people die each year in this country alone of alcohol related disease and auto accidents, and yet this poison is still available on every street corner for hapless, helpless individuals to drink by the barrel full until their livers explode. Take me for instance - I started drinking the day I turned twenty-one and haven't been sober since. I drink each bottle of booze like it's the last on Earth, only they keep making more! Oh, how I wish someone would stop them so I could dry out and these rainbow striped guinea pigs would stop chewing on my feet and penis when I try to sleep.

And don't get me started on the tobacco industry. I smoked my first cigarette at eighteen and now I'm a three pack-a-day man. They're killing me, and yet I can't stop. How can I as long as not quitting is more pleasant than going through withdrawl and I know I can get a carton every time I fill my gas tank or go to the grocery store to buy three hundred dollars worth of ice cream, whiskey and donuts? It's ridiculous. Is being a death merchant less of a crime than being a gluttonous shit for brains? I don't think so.

I don't wish to portray myself as a Christ-like martyr, but that is what I fear becoming if these things aren't outlawed. Increasing the taxes on booze, cigarettes and junk food isn't enough. I'll just sign up for the next high interest credit card offer that comes in the mail like a total idiot to subsidize my legal indulgences until I keel over. Something must be done!