I’m Turning You Blind Because You’re Ugly and I Hate You
By: Jesus Christ

Hey there, Timmy. How’s the vision? Not so good? Getting worse and worse by the day, huh? What a real fucking shame.

Remember when you had normal eyesight how you would play with the other kids? Remember how you would run and frolic out of doors with your 20/20 vision as your guide, entirely carefree of running headlong into a tree or into the middle of a busy road? Remember the thrill of hitting that home run in Pee Wee League baseball? Well those days are over, buddy. And do you want to know why? I know you do, because you and your dumb ass parents ask me every goddamn day, so in the interest of hopefully getting you to cut it out and leave me alone I’ll tell you. Timmy, I’m turning you blind because you’re ugly and I hate you.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, and allow me to disabuse you of it right away. You’re probably thinking, ‘this is all part of a big test of my faith, and if I prove myself worthy by remaining unfailingly devout, Jesus will restore my sight’. Wrong. I’m telling you Timmy, you get on my nerves and there’s no way in hell I’m going to let you see anything but the pitchest of black for the rest of your life, so don’t even go there. Tell me you love me all you want, I’ll always hate your guts.

You think I’m not serious? Try praying even harder and see where it gets you. Maybe I’ll give you a bad case of boils. Or maybe I’ll take one of your legs. And the same goes for the rest of your family. Tell that fat mom of yours to quit bugging me or I’ll give her lupus. I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Trust me Timmy, for I am the Son and the Lord and all that horseshit. The doctors might say your gradual descent into blindness is due to progressive rod-cone dystrophy and macular atrophy caused by an inherited mutation within your RDH2 gene, but we’ll both know the real reason you won’t be able to see your own hand in front of your face by the time you’re twelve – my disdain for your sniveling, sorry ass.

Enjoy bumping around my Dad’s creation with a stick you little jerk. Turn out the lights!