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I Hereby Impose Strict Islamic Law Over This Kindergarten Classroom
By: Khaled Al Salih - Substitute Teacher

Good morning, children. My name is Khaled Al Salih. Mrs. Parker is out sick today, and by the power imparted me as her substitute teacher, I hereby declare that strict Islamic Law shall be observed in her absence.

No, impudent girl, we will not be doing fingerpaints. Fingerpaints are the smears of infidels. Now please shut your mouth and wrap your coat around your face.

I said quiet! You there! Get off that chair! You! Take your hands out of your pants!

For the last time, I don't care if Mrs. Parker said you'd be doing fingerpaints today. Mrs. Parker isn't here. She's at home suffering God's plague as punishment for impure thoughts or actions. Now please open the copy of the Quran I have placed before each of you to Al-Fatiha.

Yes? No, you may not go to the bathroom. I don't care if you really have to go. You can go to hell.

Now who can tell me in which direction Mecca lies? Nobody? It's in the direction where the sun rises. That would be the east. To your left. That way!

Allahu Akbar!

Be quiet! Now let's… I said shut up! No, we can't have any cheesy-fish. Because I said so. Between dawn and sunset we fast. I said we fast! Get that finger out of your nose!

Now let's all roll out our special prayer mats, and facing east, that's to your left – THAT WAY – and pray to Allah. What was that? Allah is not boring! You know what? Oh, fuck it. Let's just do fingerpaints.

 
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