Debate
Corner - Should
We Protect Endangered Species Even If They’re Gross? - Casandra
Miller - Vice President, Princeton University Center for Conservation Biology
- As a scientist who has studied the impacts wrought by dwindling
populations of a myriad of species on the ecosystems they inhabit, I can say without
equivocation that an organism’s outward beauty has little to do with its...
(More)
I
Can Masturbate Through Anything - By: Russ Slayter -
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the
smartest, most attractive or talented person on the planet, but I’m not stupid,
altogether ugly or completely bereft of ability, either. For instance, I’m
an awesome parallel parker, and I can masturbate through practically anything.It’s
true. I can, and I am, which, contrary to what you might be thinking, IS a pretty
big deal considering how cruel and depressing the world can be, with so many of
its 6 billion inhabitants running around like loons, raping, murdering and...
(More)
Just
Because I Let My Daughter Dress like a Slut Doesn't Give You the Right to Look
at Her - By: Janet Marsh - Hey, you. Yeah
you, Mr. Shifty Eyes. I saw that little furtive glance you made over your shoulder
at my daughter as we walked by. What, were you checking to see if you’d left
your headlights on and my pre-teen’s barely covered buttocks got in the way?
Or maybe you were struck by a sudden urge to check the price of a gallon of unleaded
gas at the Chevron across the street, only to have your line of vision obstructed...
(More) 
Debate
Corner - "I'm
Not Gay" Vs. "Give Me Some Cock!" - Featuring the Cerebral
Cortex and Midbrain of a Sexually Repressed Homosexual Conservative Congressman
- As a proud conservative, heterosexual man, there is nothing
I consider more repulsive than gay sex. Just the thought of one man gratifying
another by massaging and kissing his penis before giving or submitting himself
to... (More)
Where's
Our Big Fat Faith Based Charity Check, You Nazi Swine?
- By: Aleister Pinkbelly, Minister of the American Church of Hunter S.
Thompsonism - Dear George W. Bush, In
regard to the grant proposal I recently submitted to the Department of Health
and Human Services for the remuneration of prospective faith based charity work
to be performed by the religious organization I represent - The American Church
of Hunter S. Thompsonism - what the fuck happened, and where's our money? Lest
you think our church is not... (More)
I
Sent That Priest to Molest You as a Test of Your Faith, And You Failed
- By: God - WAAAAAAAH!!! I got molested
by a priest. WAAAAAAAH!!! I tried to obtain justice from the church and through
my state's secular legal system only to be stymied at every turn by the local
archdiocese, and now I'm so angry and alienated that I don't want to be a Catholic
or believe in God anymore. WAAAAAAAH!!! Well surprise, asshole, I sent that priest
down to Earth to diddle and rape you as a test of your faith, and guess what?
You failed, fucker... (More)
Someone
Should Pass Some Laws to Protect Me from My Big Fat Drunken Dumb Ass
- By: Tucker Johnson - Hey, there. How's it going? Not so good
here. I'm a fucking blimp, my blood pressure is off the chart, and at the age
of thirty-five my doctor says I'm overdue for a heart attack unless I cut out
all my bad habits and start living healthy. Sadly however, on top of being an
enormous drunken pig, I'm a complete fucking imbecile with the self control of
a six year... (More)
Debate Corner:
Abstinence - Should You Wait
Until Marriage? Featuring Newlyweds Derrick and Noelle Chandler
We
Must Pray Harder! - By: Clyde Murphy –
Faith Based Little League Baseball Coach - Okay Bombers, huddle
up. Let’s go, take a knee. Now I know why some of you are crying, after
all, having God forsake you to the tune of a twenty-three to nothing shellacking
on the baseball diamond is a humbling experience to say the least, and the fact
that we’ve lost every game so far this year doesn’t exactly suggest we’re in His
good graces...(More)
Boy,
I Sure Am Glad I Never Took Steroids during My Minor League Days
- By: Matt Valentine - As a recently
retired professional baseball player, you better believe I had more than my share
of chances to take steroids to enhance my level of performance on the field, but
I didn’t, and boy am I glad. Yes sir, during my long, relatively undistinguished
career in the minor leagues I knew a lot of juicers, and a lot of them went on
to become major leaguers... (More)
This
God Damn Swear Jar Is Going To Buy Me A New Mother Fucking Car!
- By: James Fuckin' Cobb - As a guy who's been fucking known
to swear a bit here and fucking there, I thought it was total bullshit when my
bitch of a wife made one of these god damn swear jar things and told your's fucking
truly that I had to put a cock sucking quarter in every time I said a word like
'fuck', 'shit', 'cock', 'cunt', 'bitch', 'asshole', 'tits', 'balls', 'twat' and
so forth, but I tell you the fuck what, it's been four fucking months, and I'm
up to my cock and balls in dough... (More)
That's
My Little Girl Getting Gang Banged On The Internet! - By: Randy
Belhorne - Being a parent is a real pain in the ass - trust
me, I know - I did it for twelve years before life took me in another direction.
Kids whine, shit and snot all over you, cost a fortune and consume all your free
time without showing a shred of gratitude, and for what? Watching them play a
tree in the school play? Seeing them score a goal in pee-wee soccer? That stuff
is okay, but it's still small fry shit. No sir, the one true reward that makes
all the trials and tribulations of... (More)
Seventy-Two
Virgin Gay Boys In Heaven, Here I Come! - By: A Homosexual Suicide
Bomber - Today, I'm the happiest homosexual in Baghdad. I just
had a little chit and a bit of a chat with none other than Ghaith Al-Tamimi, and
you won't believe what that crazy fucker said! I can hardly believe it myself,
it's so crazy. Seriously, when I tell you, you'll like, totally flip out and shit.
I know I almost did (but thank Allah I didn't since I was wearing roller blades
at the time ;). So anyway, I was just like, blading through Sadr City near the
Talsum Gate... (More)
Exclusive
Ventriloquism Show: "I Might Be A Dummy, But I'm No Jew!"
- Featuring Mel Gibson with Mr. Pitler - So Mr. Pitler,
did you hear that I got a job as a baseball coach for a major baseball organization?
Yes, that's right! What's that? Why, what's wrong? Well actually, as strange as
it may seem, I haven't even met the owner yet. In fact, I don't even know his
name. What's that? You know everything you need to know about him? But I haven't
even told you what team I'm going to be coaching for yet! You say it doesn't matter?
Well then... (More)
White
Power! - By: A Retarded Skinhead - Have you
heard of black people? They are called black people because of there black skin.
I don’t like black people because they steal all our money. Black people
also stink. Once I had a plant that I would feed jelly beans every day until a
black person walked by and it died. Also black people don’t like to be called
nigger so I call them nigger all the time whenever they aren’t around. I
like spaghetti a lot more than black people. White power! Do you know what a Jew
is? I do. They wear long beards and baggy pants. Jewish people love to eat fried
chicken and watermelon... (More)
I’m
Turning You Blind Because You’re Ugly and I Hate You
- By: Jesus Christ - Hey there, Timmy.
How’s the vision? Not so good? Getting worse and worse by the day, huh? What
a real fucking shame. Remember when you had normal eyesight how you would play
with the other kids? Remember how you would run and frolic out of doors with your
20/20 vision as your guide, entirely carefree of running headlong into a tree
or into the middle of a busy road? Remember the thrill of hitting that home run
in Pee Wee League baseball? Well those days are over, buddy...(More)
I'll
Get You Yet, Lance Armstrong! - By: Death - Well,
well, well Mr. Lance Armstrong, so-called cycling extraordinaire, haven't you
gotten a bit smug over giving me the slip a few years back? Yes Lance, I've seen
the silly little commercial you made taunting the testicular cancer I gave you
that you "beat". Very cute. You're quite the shit talker, aren't you?
Well, I hope you enjoy your fleeting chance to gloat, because although you might
have won that round, I promise you, I'll win the bout. I always do. Just check
my record - I'm 7,562,098,802 and 0, dick... (More)
Sweetie,
Wiping Your Semen into Mommy’s Carpet Makes the Baby Jesus Cry
- By: Kaitlyn Prendergast - Jeremy sweetie, can we have a talk?
I don’t know how quite to say this, but it concerns the baby Jesus and his
feelings regarding something you’ve been doing with some of your…stuff…
on the floor. No, this isn’t about your hockey equipment, although that’s
certainly something we evidently need to discuss again. No Jeremy, this has to
do with something else – something that’s leaving spots on the carpet
that the baby Jesus and I are quite fond of... (More)
You've
Got To Want To Be Fucked Hard - By: Lance Sherwood -
Motivational Speaker to the Porn Stars - Good morning ladies,
I think you all know why I’m here. The respective smut peddlers you work for seem
to feel that you’ve lost your edge. They think you’ve lost your enthusiasm for
sucking cock, your appetite for hot barely legal pussy, your zeal for getting
every orifice of your body penetrated for eight hours a day by the erect penises
of strange, often pudgy... (More)
Being
An Ax Murderer Is Harder Than It Looks - By: An Up And Coming
Axe Murderer - If you're anything like I was before I first
tried breaking into the ax murdering business, you probably think it's a piece
of cake. You probably think, hey, what's there to it? You get an ax, go hide in
someone's closet or whatever, and when they come in to hang up their coat, you
jump out and chop them up. Easy, right? Wrong. Trust me, I've been at it now for
over a month, and it's not so simple. Of course I guess I should've guessed that,
like pretty much everything... (More)
I
Eat Depleted Uranium for Breakfast By: Donald Rumsfeld
- I don’t
know about you, but I’m getting pretty sick and tired of all these crazy
conspiracy theories that have been going around about how the use of depleted
uranium by our armed forces around the globe is to blame for all the world’s
problems. Whether it’s a bunch of mutated babies and their crybaby parents
in Iraq pointing the twelfth finger on their third hand at the 320 tons of DU
we’ve scattered around their desert since 1990...(More)
What’s
My Drug of Choice? Well, What Have You Got? - By: Tucker Myers
- Does smoking a single joint doom a person to a lifetime of
crippling drug addiction? Will getting high on crystal meth impel you to throw
yourself from a rooftop thinking you’re Superman? That’s what the cops
and teachers complicit with mandatory anti-drug child brain washing regimens would
have you believe, but I know it’s all bullshit. Being a recreational drug
user since the age of six has granted me... (More)
Allah
is Pretty Good, I Guess -
By: A Suicide Bomber Having Second Thoughts - Hey,
how’s it going? Not so good here. You see this pack strapped to my waist? Yup,
that’s plastic explosive. How much? I dunno, however much they gave me. I’m no
demolition expert or anything, I’m just some guy who got suckered into blowing
himself up for the cause or God or whatever...(More)
As
You Can See From My Tongue Piercing, I Am Quite The Individual - By:
Amanda Sanders - Call it an inborn instinct to not be
content to merely blend in or whatever, but I've always been a bit of an oddball.
Unlike the rest of the world, who mindlessly grind through life like gears in
a machine until they wear out and retire to Florida or die in some god foresaken
sewer someplace, I'm intent on forcing the conventions of society to conform to
MY will, NOT vice versa, which is why I decided to get my tongue pierced a month
ago. Of course... (More)
Speak
English Or Get Out of America - By: Michael Murphy -
I think people should all speak English in America because
English is the language of America, not Spanish or anything else. I am tired of
people coming here and not speaking English even though it is our language. It
is a complete tapestry. I find myself becoming more and more indigent over how
some neigborhoods in this country look more like neigborhoods in other countrys.
You want to go to a place that looks like China, I say go to China. This is America...
(More)
Making
Fundamentalist Christian Girls Miss Their Periods is a Real Hoot -
By: Jesus
H. Christ - What’s
up my peoples? Jesus here. How’s it by you? Okay up here in heaven, but even for
all its amenities and such, it can get a bit dull (I mean, what place wouldn’t
get boring after like 2,000 years? LOL ;) Yep, I’ve had to invent a million ways
to entertain myself over the centuries, and my omnipotence certainly has made
for some great fun, but I gotta say, none of the stuff I’ve pulled is half as
great as making Fundamentalist Christian girls miss their periods... (More)
All
My Dead Babies in Heaven Love Me - By: A Woman Pumped
Full of Fertility Drugs - Oh,
hi there. Glad you could stop by. It’s been such a roller coaster
ride around here on account of all the babies coming and going, so it’s real nice
to have somebody to talk to. You don’t mind if I stay seated here on the
bed, do you? With all these fertility hormones coursing through my veins,
standing upright tends to make me vomit and tip over...
(More)
What
Do I Need to Say to Put You in this Coffin Today? By: An Empty Shell with
a Marketing Degree - Oh hi there. I see the Excelsior
has caught your eye. It’s a fine coffin - very elegant. Do you mind if I
ask what brings you by to see us today? Oh dear, that’s too bad. How long
were you married? Wow, that’s almost twice as long as I’ve been alive.
Then poof! They’re gone, face down in the rose garden you spent so much time
in together... (More)
"Birthday
Parties are a Big Fascist Scam"
Debate Corner - Birthday Parties: Harmless Fun or Fascist Conspiracy?
"Well, I Think Birthday Parties Are
Nice."
I’m
Going to the Big Disney World in the Sky! - By: Benjamin
Sherman - A Retarded Man on Death Row - Hi!
My name is Benjamin! What’s yours? Do you like to color? I do. The
policemen let me color while I’m in time-out for being bad. Do you like
policemen? I do. When I was young I went to the police station with
my school and got to ride in a police car. They even let me turn on the
siren. Policemen are really cool! Well, one policeman wasn’t so nice...
(More)
I
Thought Retarded People Were Supposed to be Nice - By: Noreen Heartfield
- Boy, the more
I watch what this President of our's is up to, the more incredulous I become.
Its astounding - I thought retarded people were supposed to be nice! I mean, who's
ever heard of an evil retard? Not me, that's for sure. Granted, until recently
I've never been what you'd call a very politically conscious person;
I've never gone out of my way to keep abreast of issues pertaining
to foreign and domestic... (More)
Jesus
Would Make One Heck of a Better Husband Than My Charlie - By:
Peggy Kitzmiller - I don’t
know about the rest of you ladies, but judging from what I’ve heard about
Jesus, I think he’d make one heck of a husband. I mean, as an infallible
messiah he’d have to be at least a step up from my spouse Charlie. I’m
not sure what kind of vocational niche Jesus would fit in today’s contemporary
society, but I bet it would come with a lot more prestige and earn a bigger paycheck..(More)
Gee
Golly, War is the Pits! - By: The G-Rated GI - As
the recent edited for TV broadcast of Steven Spielberg’s “Saving Private
Ryan” re-affirms, there’s no place for foul language in today’s
world - including even the middle of violent wars or movies made exclusively for
adults. The following is an example of how the respectable soldier of today conducts
himself in a war zone, taken from a real life account of a firefight in Iraq:
Oh, hi there. Seems we’re a bit lost here. You
see, we’re escorting these trucks of ammunition to Karbala... (More)
Such
a Nice Laboratory, It’d Be A Shame If Something Were To Happen To It
- By: A George Bush Goon -Well, well, if it isn’t Dr. Logan, the esteemed environmental scientist. Finally we meet! I’m a big fan of your work. I just read the most recent paper on global warming you submitted to Science the other day. Very alarming. Anyway, my colleague Clyde here and I just happened to be in the Princeton campus area and wanted to stop by and... (More)
Anyone
Catch My Killer Yet? Anyone Give A Shit? - By: The Spirit
of Joniqua Benet Ramsey - Can you believe that crazy John Mark
Karr's DNA didn't match the sample taken from the crime scene? Boy, I really thought
they'd finally solved the case of who killed that white girl and everyone down
there on Earth could get back to business, but I guess not. Too bad. So who do
you think killed the little cracker? Her parents? Her brother? Sam the Butcher?...
(More) 
Fighting
OxyContin Induced Constipation Makes Vietnam Look Like a Trip to the Fair
- By: Rush Limbaugh - Personally, I’m getting a little
tired of people getting on my case for not going to Vietnam, calling me a hypocrite
for being an advocate for the war in Iraq from the so-called comfort of my broadcast
studio after answering my own call of duty with a “cheap excuse” (behold
the ignorance of anyone who hasn’t had a pilodinal cyst on their hindquarters)
back in the sixties... (More)
Gimme
Gimme Gimme!
-By: your company’s CEO
- Oh,
hi there! Are you enjoying the company picnic? Too bad it has to be the
last. Every penny counts in staying abreast with the competition, you know.
Oh my! Is this lovely lady your wife? What is such a pretty thing doing
with a bum like you? No accounting for taste, I suppose. Just kidding....(More)
Don't
Cry For Me - I Want To Die - By:
Preston the Polar Bear - Hey there everybody, Preston the Polar
Bear here. Just wanted to drop you all a line in response to the outpouring of
concern I've received lately to tell you, well, to just drop it already. Not to
sound unappreciative, but although it is true that global warming has melted a
lot of the sea ice I need to feed myself and make new babies, reducing the global
population of polar bears to 20,000, I consider those who've perished or were
never born the lucky ones, because I have no greater wish than... (More)
I
Must Harness the Erotic Power of the Waves of Dusk – so that I may Hang Ten on
Them - By:
Lord Vladimir Shredington - What
is that which nature has unfurled through the fog of eve to resonate in my ear?
The sonorous thunder of distant waves crashing upon the haunted shores of dusk…
It intoxicates me. The reigns of my most righteous ride yield to my hands as I
command her faster still forward...(More)
Thanks
For The Kidney Honey, But I Think We Should See Other People
- By: Mr. Sensitive - Hi honey, how are you feeling this morning?
Still a bit under the weather from the transplant, huh? Well, the doctor said
it would take a couple of months. Surprisingly, I'm feeling a lot better. Better
than I have in years thanks to you, and although I've said it once before, I want
you to know that I'm totally grateful for the kidney you gave me that saved my
life, but I'm afraid I have... (More)
I’m
So Totally Sorry Your Grandma Died
- By: Sarcastic Pete - Hey
man, I heard your grandmother died. I bet you’re like, totally stoked about
it too, considering she practically raised you and all after your dad took off
and your mom croaked of cancer. Seriously though, when’s the party?
We should mix up some margaritas and invite all her dusty old friends over for
some naked twister to celebrate ASAP. Just kidding, I’m actually like, really
sorry to hear she passed away... (More)
Its
Always Hard to See Your Child off on Their First Day of War
- By: Marlene Powers
- (Sigh) It seems like just yesterday you were changing their
diapers, teaching them to ride a bike, helping them with their long division they
grow up so fast. You close your eyes and your baby s not a baby anymore they re
going to high school, having their first kiss, learning to drive, and before you
know it, leaving for their first day of war... (More)
Old
Man Asleep In Own Feces Glad He Never Smoked - Oh,
hi there. I must have dozed off. Looks like it was on the floor this time. Well
anyway, tomorrow is my 85th birthday... or was it yesterday? No matter; my point
is that the big occasion, as big occasions tend to do, has made me reflect a bit,
and one thing the pure joy of still being alive to see such ripe old age has brought
me is...(More)