Do You Know What I Really Hate? Sunshine.
By: Andy Rooney

You know what really rubs me raw? Sunshine. That's right. There’s nothing worse than waking up in the morning and seeing the sun shining through the curtains. Makes me wish I was dead.

The Beatles, who I despise, once wrote a song entitled, "Here Comes the Sun".  Sounds like a warning to me.  As in, "Here comes the sun. We should get out of town this weekend."

Of course, the only thing worse than a sunny day is a rainy one. I don't know about you, but I hate the rain. Makes me wish I was dead. As far as I’m concerned, the only kind of day that's not entirely insufferable is a mostly cloudy day, and anyone who disagrees with me is a son of a bitch.

Speaking of overrated stars we'd all be better off without, where does George Clooney get off making a stink about who's killing who in Sudan? I'm not saying I support genocide necessarily, but I at least know whose business my nose warrants being stuck into. Stick to making movies about ogling four-legged barn animals, George, and let the real journalists decide whether people should give more of a shit about Darfur than what I'm going to do with the thirty-seven coffee mugs I'm bound to receive as Christmas presents this year.

Moving on, I also find the laughter of children extremely irritating. I don't know if it's the tone or pitch of the laughter that sets it apart from adult laughter, or the fact that the source of their guffawing is typically an absolute god damn mystery, but it drives me straight up the wall. Sometimes when I'm sitting on the porch watching my grandkids rollicking and hee-hawing like jackanapes in the yard I dream of fetching my 1895 Winchester down from the rifle rack and picking them off one by one.

Bet they wouldn't find that too funny. Or Christ, maybe they would.

You want to know another thing that makes me sick? Food poisoning. I was on the toilet for an entire weekend last month. Think it was some eggplant that went south.

And speaking of rotten foods, what's the deal with pickle relish? Fuck that shit. And pets also stink. They just grow old and die like everything else. What's the use?

Bah.