I’m So Totally Sorry Your Grandma Died
By: Sarcastic Pete

Hey man, I heard your grandmother died.  I bet you’re like, totally stoked about it too, considering she practically raised you and all after your dad took off and your mom croaked of cancer.  Seriously though, when’s the party?  We should mix up some margaritas and invite all her dusty old friends over for some naked twister to celebrate ASAP.  Just kidding, I’m actually like, really sorry to hear she passed away and stuff.  I really, really am.  Totally.

Let me ask you, did it at least help that you knew well beforehand that she’d be dying soon?  I mean after all, you had to see her falling down that open manhole on 23^rd Street a mile away, right?  Because it was totally inevitable that that was going to happen.  No joke - I hear over half of all the people who live past sixty in this country will die from trauma they sustain from plunging through exposed manholes they don’t see in the street because their vision is obstructed by the groceries they’re carrying.  I swear to God I heard that somewhere.

So, do you think she was surprised when it happened?  I doubt it.  In fact, I’d wager she was just walking along, suddenly found herself plummeting through a dark sewer shaft and thought, “Well, la-de-da, I’m not surprised about this one bit.  Looks like this is the end of me!”  And I bet having half her bones shatter on impact with the bottom was like, the happiest moment of her life.  I bet in whatever time she had before losing consciousness she seriously considered having a picnic with whatever foodstuffs fell down the hole with her.  Yeah, right.

Honestly, I really feel for you, bro.  How’s your sister taking it?  Is she as totally thrilled about your grandma dying as you?  Because it’s not like they were close or anything.  I mean, your grandma only practically paralyzed herself taking her to Girl Scouts camping trips and soccer tournaments when she was young and nearly went bankrupt putting her through college.  Yeah, your sister will probably dance a jig on her grave, huh? I bet.

So when’s the funeral, or should I say the shindig of the century?  I can see it now – one friend and well wisher after another walking up to the microphone to deliver rounds of side splitting comedy the likes of which haven’t been heard since the careers of Richard Pryor and George Carlin were reaching their zeniths.  Well, if it’s anything like how the funeral for my parents and two brothers was after the plane crash, I can tell you for 100% sure that it’ll be a total blast.

I’m like, so not unhappy for you.  And please, take it from my own experience and don’t take care of yourself or surround yourself with people who love you, and whatever you do, don’t think positive or you might end up with some really debilitating mental problems like I don’t totally have.  And if you’re in need of someone for support, I sincerely hope you look to someone other than me. 

So anyway, see you later…not!  Just kidding.