The Faggot Fathers Fought for My Right to be a Stupid Jerk
By: Some Jerk

Is it me, or have none of the dumb asses who live in this retarded country ever read the Constitution?

Seriously, judging by the number of chat rooms, movie theaters, town hall meetings, parties, restaurants, job interviews, parks, countries, concerts, funerals, shopping malls and bars I've been thrown out of for no other reason than the stupid words I say and the crude, obnoxious way in which I convey them, you'd think we were living in communist fucking Canada with the rest of those fudge packing eskimos.

Take last week, for instance. After literally having to wrestle the microphone out of my fat slut of a cousin's hand at my sister's wedding just to wish her my congratulations on having given her last blow job and getting to totally let herself go like all the other hippo broads in my family, my own dad grabbed me by the crotch and neck and gave me the old heave-ho into some shrubbery surrounding the Best Western.

Well guess what, pops? You might not consider me a son of yours anymore, but I'm a son of America, and that means I can say what I want, when I want, no matter how crude, inappropriate or juvenile it happens to be, or completely drunk off my ass I am at the time. After all, other than getting totally stoned and having a bit of a circle jerk over Ben Franklin in Boston circa 1812, the faggot fathers convened to write a little thing called the Bill of Dykes, which insures the inalienable right of every member of each future generation of Americans to be a complete shithead.

Man, it just really gets me steamed, you know? To think of all the heroes fighting in My Crack and that other dry, dirty-ass country to protect our first amendment rights, and here I am with hand prints under my armpits from being tossed out of a Starbucks for doing nothing other than being an insufferable jackass.

It was just this morning. There was this guy sitting by the door who seemed a bit like me, only he liked books, was wearing glasses and a shirt and had bought something. So I sit next to him and ask him if he thinks he's some kind of bigshot, and he says 'no, not really' in this tone like he's annoyed that I'm exercising my free speech, so I ask him what his problem is, and he's all, 'I don't have one' before totally brushing me off and returning his attention to his book like I'm some kind of dirtbag, so I ask real loud if he thinks he's better than me, and he gives me the cold shoulder, so I start repeating myself louder and louder until two security guards come, pick me up and toss me out into the street! Unbelievable!

I'm telling all you ass clowns, this country has lost its way. For shame.