Old Man Asleep In Own Feces Glad He Never Smoked

Oh, hi there. I must have dozed off. Looks like it was on the floor this time. Well anyway, tomorrow is my 85th birthday... or was it yesterday? No matter; my point is that the big occasion, as big occasions tend to do, has made me reflect a bit, and one thing the pure joy of still being alive to see such ripe old age has brought me is a sense of self-gratitude that I've always made the healthy choice. Yep, I have no doubt that I owe my longevity to a life devoted to eating right, exercising and abstaining from alcohol, drugs and especially cigarettes.

Woops, looks like I'm sitting in a pile of my own excrement here. I thought I smelled something. No, no, its okay, I've gotten used to it. Allow me to continue while I struggle to get to my feet despite my broken hip, arthritic knees and the agonizing pain that accompanies every movement I make.

Now where was I? Oh yes, I was talking about how life's big moments cause you to reflect. Take for instance funerals. Of course funerals may have become a lot more mundane for me now that I've been to over four dozen of them, but they still retain the power to evoke moments of introspection. In fact, just the other day I was at a funeral for my last living good friend, Hank Butterman (or was it old Joe Renfree?) when it occurred to me how disproportionately often I attend funerals these days compared to when I was a young man. I mean, I went to maybe two funerals during my twenties, but have been to twenty now in the last two years.

Now if I could just reach the top drawer of that dresser, I think I can hoist myself up. Boy, this floor sure is slick. Probably has something to do with my liquefied diet since I was taken off solids in the 80s. Liquid in, liquid out, I guess.

So I was saying about my old friend Dolores, turns out they linked her death from neck cancer to her lifelong habit of cigarette smoking. Poor thing only lived to be 76. I could only shake my head as they lowered her casket into the ground and think just how glad I was that I never smoked. To think I would've missed out on these last several years and all the wonderful television shows I've watched, meals I've drank, lovely funerals I've gone to, and of course, how my grandchildren thank me cordially when I give them money.

Oh goodie, I've got a hold of that drawer. Now just to... whoops! Down I go. Who turned out the lights?