McCain Vows to Fight Rampant Pharmaceutical Drug Use Amongst American Seniors
Republican nominee for President John McCain vowed today that he would work to fight the "rampant use of pharmaceutical drugs by many of this nation's senior citizens" should he be elected to the White House in November.
McCain's pledge came on the heels of a study sponsored by his campaign that found a startling 92% of Americans over the age of 65 who are on Medicare have taken pharmaceutical drugs in the past year.
"There's a common perception that the use of pharmaceutical drugs in order to feel better is isolated to young people, but these statistics prove otherwise," spoke Patricia Bauer of the newly established Senior Health Research Fund, "Substance use by seniors has silently become an epidemic in recent decades, and I salute Senator McCain for finally shedding light on the problem."
According to the report, in addition to pain killers such as Oxycontin and Vicodin, a vast majority of Medicare recipients use a multitude of other medications to feel good, including pills designed to treat the symptoms of diabetes or high blood pressure - often through prescriptions provided them by their doctors and subsidized by the federal government with tax payer dollars.
"Advancements in medical technology and the war on terror have resulted in Americans living longer than ever before, but with increased longevity come new challenges," said McCain campaign spokesman Christopher Huff, "Conjectural analysis indicates that many of our retired citizens on Medicare are using pills to mitigate the tedium of spending as much as one third of their lives with little more to do than stare at a wall, or if they're fortunate, out a window."
Careful to preface his remarks by emphasizing his compassion for all his fellow Americans during these turbulent times, McCain scorned the recourse of seeking comfort in chemicals.
"Drugs are not the answer, my friends," he said, "If you're bored or feeling blue, try going for a walk or stitch a quilt or something."