Local Police Department Acquires Nuclear Weapon

LITTLEFIELD, AR - The Littlefield Police Department has acquired a 200 kiloton nuclear warhead under a Department of Defense program that distributes surplus weapons to local agencies throughout the country.

The device, which is ten times more powerful than the bomb that was detonated over Hiroshima during World War II, will be used to deter crime in Littlefield and the greater Jasper County area, Police Chief Jefferson Bailey said.

"There will be no more crime in Littlefield," Bailey said. "Because if there is, I'll blow this town sky-high."

Many of Littlefield's 15,000 residents have expressed concern over its police department's acquisition of the nuclear weapon, as well as the guidelines governing its potential use.

"What kind of crimes are we talking about here?" one woman asked. "Would the bomb only be used to quell large scale civil unrest, or will they nuke the whole county the next time someone so much as shoplifts or jaywalks?"

Bailey's response proves he means business.

"If anyone wants to find out, go ahead and steal something from the Piggly Wiggly or cross against the signal and see what the fuck happens," he said.