Tips For Getting Your Dumb Ass Pregnant

• Know your wife's cycle. Women are usually most fertile 12-15 days after their period ends, or a fortnight after the've been released from their menses hut.

• Give the 'ol shitpipe a rest. You and your partner might prefer anal, but scientific research has shown that it is impossible to impregnate a woman through her ass. So board up that back door and hit the front.

• Sex should be fun. Try some role playing. For example, put on your grandpa's WWII uniform, dress your wife up like a Nazi and call her vagina Omaha Beach.

• Having a hard time getting pregnant in your thirties? Try building a time machine and turn back the clock to any part of your teens or twenties when getting pregnant would have completely ruined your life, then get within ten feet of a cumming dick.

• If your wife is very ugly, have her spread her legs on the bed while you jerk off to porn on the toilet. Then, when you're ready to blow your load, banzai out of the bathroom and stick it in.

• Choose which gender you'd like the child you conceive to be. If you want a girl, eat a lot of pineapple. If you want a boy, wear a hat while you screw.

• If you and/or your wife are too fat to have sex, try masturbating into your hand, then slather it into her pussy like you're caulking the bottom of a boat.

• In case most of your hubby's sea men drown in the ocean, try recruiting sailors from other navies. Just steer clear of the Chinese or black navy - unless your husband belongs to one of those races.

• A daily folic acid supplement for trying mothers can aid in conception and help the baby from coming out all fucked up.

• If worse comes to worst and you and your partner still can't conceive a baby, you can always consider adopting a child. Ha ha, just kidding.