Why Did Dad Destroy the Bathroom? - And Other Uncomfortable Poems
That Turban Makes Me Question Your Passion for Nascar
That turban makes me question your passion for Nascar,
Just an eensy weensy bit.
The seven yards of white material
Draped around your head,
Makes me wonder if you really want to see Jeff Gordon win it all this year.
Perhaps I’m wrong.
Perhaps I’m biased.
But the way you twirled your long black mustache,
When six cars piled up,
Made me think you were the one responsible.
Robbie the Wannabe Rapist
Robbie the wannabe rapist,
Poor, limping, lascivious Robbie.
He tried and he tried,
He waited in gullies, abandoned hallways,
And dark parking lots.
But try as he might,
His terrible limp prevented him from catching his prey.
Girls would scream in fright as he growled
“I’m gonna rape ya, honey!”
But as soon as they saw him, they would stop running, and laugh to their friends
“Oh, it’s just poor Robbie, he’ll never get any, will he?”
Occasionally they would taunt him from mere yards away, while he gnashed his teeth in frustration,
His itchy fingers grasping empty air.
Why Did Dad Destroy the Bathroom?
What is it about my dad?
It may be all dads, I’m not sure.
That enables him to spread such a walnutty foulness
Across the bathroom and in fact the house
Whenever he goes in there with 2 sections of the newspaper.
Bombastic Mr. Brown
Bombastic Mr. Brown,
Makes his way around town,
Greeting all the townsfolk,
Even though the townsfolk frown,
For the thing about Mr. Brown,
Who is bombastic and fantastic,
Is that he has leprosy.
Apparently Being Polite Gets you Thrown in Jail These Days
Philip was only trying to be a gentleman
When he opened the door for the old lady carrying groceries
And gave her a stern pat
On the rump (as was her due)
When she struggled through the entrance.
He was only trying to make light of the whole situation,
As she threw down her groceries and flew at his throat,
He gave her a playful squeeze to the breast
Saying “Honk, honk! Someone’s overreacting!”
But as the unsmiling officer
With the unforgiving hands explained
To his face with the edge of the interrogation room desk,
Such things are just not done,
At least not anymore.
Raul Catches Hector in a Vicious Headlock
Cono! That keels man!
I’m warning you cut it out bro! Fo real!
How would you like for me to do on you the same thing?
On your skeen?
Old Granby’s on the Roof Again
Old Granby in his nightgown
Soaring above the village common
He’s reading Milton
And his slippers look shabby.
He tried to bribe
A young lad to smuggle him hard
candy through the third floor window
And sulked when the poor boy’s mother
Said “let the old jackrabbit starve up there.”
What Happened to Conventionally Pretty Pop Stars and Actresses?
Please bring back the days
Of Whitney Houston,
Wynona Ryder and Selma Hayek.
Because Renee Zellweger has a puke face
Fergie looks like a Hell’s Angel
And Sarah Jessica Parker could be
An American Gladiator.
Seth has Lice
And I’m afraid that
Jonah may have caught them.
Eli’s head looks busy
And Sasha’s scalp looks jumpy.
It all made sense when I saw Noah
Scratching away, pensively.
You had better
Get that charmer on a leash
Because I’m feeling that way
I did in 1989 when
At the regional dogshow
In the playroom I
Broke a law and also
Thrilled a Weimeraner.
Melle Mel is in my closet
Every time I open my closet,
Melle Mel is there.
He is way too intense,
And says “Rrrrraaa!” at five in the morning.
When I try to have private time he goes,
“D-D-D-D-D-D -don’t don’t do it”
And when I don’t do my home work he says
“And then he wound up dropping out of hiiiiiigh school”.
But he keeps me on track.
And his braids are ill.
I asked him about my mom’s boyfriend and he said
“She had to get a pimp she couldn’t make it on her own”.
Sorry I’m Late, there was Heavy Sex Traffic
I am so sorry,
I just couldn’t get here on time!
The human sex trade was unbelievably gridlocked,
And everyone was so busy peddling flesh
Across international lines, for the highest profit possible
That I couldn’t budge an inch!
Doesn’t Feel Good to Resemble Edward James Olmos
People keep telling me I bear an uncanny resemble to
That skilled actor who
Portrays courage and depth
Whose face resembles
An old apple riddled with buckshot.
Mandy’s First Crush
Everyone was perplexed (actually, Dad was furious)
When Mandy’s first crush turned out to be a homeless man dying of AIDS.
She was big into youth soccer,
Miley Cyrus, the color purple
And apparently, violent drunks who slept on sidewalks.
The way mean old Reginald
Downed a quart of grain alchohol
in front of a class field trip to the town square
( “Almost as if he was trying to impress me”),
Was discussed later that night
on a hushed phone call to Stacey, then Kim.
Nameless Enemy on the Subway
I must have done this man
In a past or present life
Because he is staring at me
With inexplicable fury
I am worried that he may come over here
Point at me,
and say “War criminal! Everybody jeer at the war criminal!”
Or set me on fire,
And do a liberation dance or something.
Eldridge the Crossing Guard Told Me His Secret
I was standing next to Eldridge,
Who really adores children, you know
When the funniest thing happened.
He told me that he had killed a man in Florida,
And that he ran away to Massachusetts,
And began a new life as a crossing guard.
He said that the man “crossed him” and that I
“wouldn’t believe what I did to him, not in a million years.”
I chuckled lightly, and waved goodbye to my young son Max as he opened the main door to the school building.
Things are a little different now,
Since Eldridge told me his tale.
And made sure that I knew it was “curtains” if I told anyone else.