Long Island Town to Launch Prostitute Recycling Program

Responding to complaints from residents about the number of dead hookers piling up on their local beaches, Lindenhurst City Council voted this week to initiate a curbside prostitute recycling program.

The first of its kind for a town of its small size, Lindenhurst Mayor Beth Anders is eagerly anticipating the launch of the new service.

"I believe that maintaining an environment free of deceased sex workers should be a top priority," Anders remarked.

Lindenhurst Environmental Services Department Director John Marois said that specialized, 126-gallon recycling carts capable of containing one intact human body or up to 3 dismembered corpses will be delivered to approximately 3,500 homes in the area to service their prostitute recycling needs.

"We are hopeful that our citizens will fully participate in this free, convenient recycling program rather than continuing to dump their dead ladies of the night down by the shore," said Marois.

An early survey shows that most Lindenhurst residents are in favor of the program, while others who either don't employ the services of prostitutes or allow them to walk away unscathed afterward are resistant to the idea of the extra cost of a service they don't intend to use.

"I haven't killed a hooker in over 30 years, and even that one time was sort of an accident," groused 78 year-old Reginald Burns, "Why should I have to pay for someone else's bloodlust?"

Anders acknowledged such complaints, but pointed out that similar gripes could be made about any municipal service.

"Just as not everyone who pays taxes for roads drives a car, not everyone who will pitch in to keep our town dead prostitute-free shares an overwhelming compulsion for luring streetwalkers into their home or vehicle for the purpose of strangling the life out of them with their bare hands," she said.