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Report: Fast Food Labor War Fuels Spike in US Pube-to-Shake Ratio

As the war between fast food chains and their workers over livable wage standards rages on, the nation's pubic hair-to-shake ratio has exploded, a new report reveals.

Recognized as a barometer of fast food labor relations, the latest pube-to-shake numbers are approaching unprecedented levels.

"Our latest report shows a national PSR of 8.4 pubes per 1,000 shakes - the highest we've seen since the Great Burger Wars of the 1980s," remarked Michael Rush of the National Restaurant Institute, "It's pretty scary - and there's every reason to believe it's only going to get worse."

Indeed, worker protests have intensified in recent days while executives show no sign of shifting from their hardline stance.

Commented a McDonalds Regional Manager: "They can demand fifteen dollars an hour, and we can replace them all with another greasy batch of teenage dipshits willing to work for eight."

Meanwhile, reports of other atrocities, including the massacre of an entire Burger King breakfast crew in Sacramento, and a Wendy's employee inserting his penis into a Frosty machine, have become commonplace.

"It's disturbing, because caught in the middle of all this sabotage and murder are the poor slobs who can't cook for themselves or afford to spend more than five dollars on a meal," remarked consumer advocate Susan Price.

One such individual, Raymond Shreyer of Middletown, Ohio, recently discovered a McDonalds employee had replaced the beef in his quarter pounder with human feces.

"They took a crap in a bun and sold it to me," Shreyer said, "It tasted like poo."

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