Holiday Tips for the Wealthiest 1%

• Help yourself feel like a good person by volunteering to serve a meal at a homeless shelter on one of the two days a year they don't actually need the extra help. Or, better yet, just make a cash donation. Or even better still, fuck it.

• Many people say the best thing about Thanksgiving is the leftovers, but this is coming from people who eat leftovers.

• Even children sired from the finest stock can prove unruly during long trips, making it in your best interest to keep them occupied - for instance by letting them pick which debt-ridden European nation you're going to over-leverage all your investors' money into next, or letting them fly the plane.

• Accept help from others: If you are hosting a big holiday meal at your home, allow your relatives and children to do their share of shouting at the caterers and firing people.

• Instead of getting all sweaty using an ax to chop down that Christmas tree, use a few hundred tons of high explosives to take down all the trees and half the mountain. While you're at it, harvest all the coal.

• Don't drive yourself. Stubbornly high unemployment rates, skyrocketing airfares and a gallon of gas pushing $4 a gallon is still no match for the mindless migration instinct of the drone hordes to jam up the airports and interstates on their way to visit their equally slovenly, cheese-filled relatives. Hire a driver if you don't already have one, or better yet, have the chopper drop you off at your private jet.

• Hire one of the Koch brothers to come over and play Santa. If you've been an extra good donor all year, your wish for relaxed air pollution standards just might come true.

• For a truly special gift, neither money nor the time-space continuum should be an object. Try whisking that certain someone off to 1971 Vegas to see Charo at her prime.

• Why be a slave to convention? After all, if you can buy a turkey for 50 cents a pound, then it follows that at $3,000 a pound, Wagyu steak is six thousand times better.