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Russia Bans All Outdoor Olympic Events after Determining Nature to be Gay

The Russian Olympics Committee announced today that all outdoor events scheduled during the upcoming Winter Olympics in Sochi have been cancelled after government scientists determined that nature is gay.

According to Russian Deputy Prime Minister and ROC President Alexander Zhukov, the ban was made in compliance with recently enacted anti-gay Russian legislation that criminalizes the promotion of homosexual lifestyles.

Remarked Zhukov: "Nature has many colorful flowers and birds singing in homosexual fashion. Leading Russian naturalists agree this makes nature gay and not appropriate for children."

All of the naturalists who took part in the study have since been jailed, according to Russian police.

Events affected by the ban include alpine skiing, cross-country skiing, ski jumping, the biathalon, the nordic combined, luge, snowboarding, and "especially bobsleigh".

Reported preeminent Russian psychologist Yevgeniy Sharikov: "Bobsleigh is phallic symbol that travels through dark passages, like that of a man's anus. This is homosexual propaganda not appropriate for children."

Sharikov could not be reached for comment as he has recently died of natural causes.

Zhukov reassured restive Olympics fans that events such as figure skating and ice dancing will take place as scheduled, as they can in no fashion be construed as gay.

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