Russia Warns Special Olympians Against Promoting Non-Traditional Lifestyles

Russian authorities are warning athletes planning to compete in this year's Special Winter Olympics against publicly advocating their "non-traditional lifestyles".

Despite having agreed to host the games that celebrate the perseverance of physically and mentally handicapped athletes as a prerequisite to being awarded this year's Winter Olympics, "It doesn't mean we have to like it," they say.

Remarked Russian International Olympic Committee spokesman Demitri Yartsev: "Our first priority must be to protect Russian children from the threat this circus represents. There is nothing special about missing limbs or chromosomes."

Yartsev indicated that, "similar to the penalties to be imposed upon Olympians caught spreading gay propaganda during the Winter Games, special athletes caught promoting a handicapped lifestyle or in any way acting retarded will be disqualified from competition and face possible jail time".

"There will be a zero tolerance policy for any such conduct," Yartsev declared, "Any arms competitors might have must be kept at their sides at all times, and all eyes must remain uncrossed."

Despite conceding the existence of disabled people in Russia and acknowledging having a slow uncle who was kicked in the head by a horse, Yartsev confirmed that Russia will not field a Special Olympics team this winter.

"We do not wish to encourage our young people to chop off their legs and launch themselves off ski jumps," he said, "The people of Russia believe this sort of behavior should not be condoned. We are not impressed by imbeciles on bunny slopes or armless people pushing bobsleds with their teeth."