Shopping Tips for Shitheads

• Reading Shakespeare and the articles in the newspaper might enrich you "as a person", but will leave a hole in your wallet. Instead, spend all your reading time scouring ads and circulars for ways to reduce what you spend on frozen fish sticks and hair gel.

• Always smoke lots of meth before going grocery shopping. Then, stalk around the store giving people menacing glares and shouting about the prices. Four dollars for a box of crackers?! Fucking motherfuckers.

• If while accompanying you on a shopping trip your small child should start crying and screaming at the top of his or her lungs, do absolutely nothing. Conversely, if your child should make one complaint over your choice of breakfast cereals, yell at them to shut up and threaten to abandon them at the store.

• If the grocery store you normally frequent stops selling an item you normally buy, get to the front of the express lane and ask the checker about it. If they say they don’t know, request to speak with the manager. Then, regardless of what the manager says, be sure to point out how many centuries you’ve been purchasing the product in question from that very store, and how indispensable it is to some shitty recipe your mom taught you to make before passing away in 1926 while everyone in line under the age of six-hundred starts praying for you to drop dead.

• As you’ve probably heard somewhere before, grocery stores are excellent places to meet that special someone.  Because there’s nothing at all pathetic about a man prowling around a store for two hours with nothing but a mango and a box of handi-wipes in his basket trying to hit on chicks.

• Insist on sweatshop quality from all your clothes purchases. Factory employees who work less than 80 hours a week and aren’t thrown a beating now and again are less experienced and tend towards a sense of complacency that is reflected in their workmanship.

• Never in the history of mankind has there ever been a decent handbag or pair of sunglasses manufactured that sold for less than $400, so if you’re dumb enough and/or too cheap to purchase one that isn't, you deserve the contempt and ridicule bound to be heaped upon you by your more tasteful peers. *Poor shoppers lacking the immediate means to buy non-crap products should inquire a salesperson about establishing a long-term payment plan for their name-brand leather strapped sacks and face-shaped pieces of plastic.

• When going clothes shopping, setting a budget can save you time and possible financial trouble. For example, knowing that you can afford to spend $0 will allow you to forgo the whole trip altogether.

• As the reeling auto industry continues to search for its bottom, you as the car buyer are in a position of power and can get a lot more for your buck. For example, other than option, price and financing considerations, when a dealer asks ‘what can I do to put you in this car today?’ tell him he can slap himself in the face. Then tell him to say hi to his wife and your starving kids as you walk.

• Car dealers are resorting more to high-pressure sales tactics as they become more desperate, so prepare yourself. For example, if a salesman tells you that he’ll kill himself unless you buy a car from him, tell him that you don’t care. Also, never accept anything to eat or drink inside a car dealer’s office as there is a good chance you will wake up outside your home in the front seat of a new car with no recollection of the previous several hours and a signed contract taped to your shirt.