South Dakota Governor Bans Paternity Tests, Decriminalizes Rape In Cases Where Woman Was "Asking For It"

Four months after imposing a state-wide ban on abortion, South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds announced yesterday that paternity testing would no longer be permitted in the Mount Rushmore State and that the crime of rape would no longer incur any criminal sentence if it was deemed that the woman was "asking for it".

Rounds cited the 0.01% error rate of licensed laboratories performing paternity tests in South Dakota as, "Woefully inaccurate" in his justification for banning the practice while declaring his state's rape laws, "Perniciously presumptuous and prejudicial" during a press conference Thursday morning.

"For years, the law has entitled women to use their bodies to seduce and entrap men into having sex, then murder their babies at a minimal cost, and that's not right," commented Governor Rounds, "However, it is also not right that that man should then be either arbitrarily labelled a rapist or become endentured for eighteen years as a slave to a child he never intended to have by a laboratory's willie-nillie so-called tests in collusion with some woman who was asking for it in the first place."

But what specifically qualifies as "Asking for it" according to South Dakota's newly revised sexual assault law?

"Any charge of rape brought by an individual attired in clothing deemed to be inordinately revealing and designed to appeal to a purient interest will be dismissed as shall any that is disputed by one or more witnesses present not accused of any crime," reads the revised legislation.

Commented Leonard Hahn, president of the advocacy group Men Are People Too (MAPT), "A truck driver friend of mine once had sex with a girl in exchange for giving her a ride from Pierre to Memphis, and three years later he gets served with papers saying he's being sued for child support. It's just not right."

Expectedly, women's rights groups are emphatically opposed to South Dakota's newest retrograde piece of legislation and have begun to lash back.

"Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't try to pull this earlier," spokesman for the National Organization for Women Gloria Reed remarked, "Apparently it took them a few months to realize that they might actually get stuck having to provide for all those babies whose abortions they prevent. It's really quite pathetic."