Survey: More Heterosexual Americans Trying Gay Marriage

A new survey reveals that more heterosexual Americans are trying gay marriage than ever before.

The survey coincides with another poll indicating that 57% of Americans say they have a family member or close friend who is gay or lesbian – a new high.

"I've had two straight marriages that have failed and know a few gay couples who seem pretty happy, so I figured what the hell – this time I'll try marrying a dude," explained Mark Gatson of Brockton, Massachusetts.

Gatson describes his marriage to his new husband Brandon as "different but wonderful".

"It's actually worked out great. Sucking a man's penis definitely took some getting used to, but my husband is wonderful. We have a lot in common, and unlike both of my wives I don't want to punch him in the face every time he opens his mouth," Gatson said.

Other heterosexuals who have tried marrying a member of their own sex echo Gatson's sentiments.

"The sex is definitely different. The rusty trombone for example - when you're masturbating your man's penis while licking his butthole. That one's kind of weird. Or snowballing, where he spits your semen back into your mouth. That's kind of an acquired taste," remarked Jeff Reyes of Long Beach, California.

According to the poll, straight people who have tried gay marriage are surprisingly more likely to be men raised in prevailingly conservative states.

"I aint a queer, I just can't take a woman's nagging mouth no more," said Randy Wisler of New Haven Connecticut, "So I moved up north from Greensboro and found me a nice fellow. We like to hunt and fish, watch ball games, and sometimes blow each other."