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American Students Lead World in Swearing, Name Calling

America's youngsters lead the world in swearing and name calling proficiency, a new study shows.

The study, which evaluates students' performance in an array of verbal abuse competencies, including vocabulary, creative integration, indecency and volume, reinstated American children as the global leader in profanity one year after being knocked out of the top spot by Germany.

"When it comes to reading, math and science, our kids might not know their mitochondria from a dick up their ass, but they can sure talk some trash," boasted elementary school principal Dan Bowcott.

Caleb Clark, a 5th grader at Bowcott's school, called the study "fucking stupid", and remarked that his principal is a "shitface".

One of Clark's classmates, 11 year-old Ashlyn Parlow, called Clark a jiz bucket, the study "retarded", and said Germany can "lick her box".

The study also ranked American children second in the world in rationalizing not giving a shit about learning.

Remarked high school senior Casey Luebke, "Whatever. Like I'm going to spend all that time studying math when 50 years from now I'm going to be back to drooling and crapping in a diaper like my dumb-ass grandma."

Just beating out the US in the category was Haiti for the third consecutive year after the entire nation officially gave up in 2010.

 
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