Obama Administration Allocates $40 Billion to Stupid Business

The Obama Administration announced this morning that it will throw away $40 billion on new small business funding.

Administration Council of Economic Advisers spokesman James Barber noted that the distribution of the funds will be managed by the United States Small Business Administration, which will issue grants directly to aspiring small business owners regardless of how stupid or impractical their ideas, expediting the blind dissemination of the entire sum into the vague ether of the economy at large.

"90% of all new businesses go under within their first three years – a statistic that compels banks to discriminate against most loan applicants whose proposed entrepreneurial ventures are all but doomed to fail," remarked Barber, highlighting a critical difference between this latest infusion of cash with previous rounds of funding that provided money to community banks that were encouraged, yet remained reluctant, to pass on the money to small businesses barren of any shred of potential long-term viability.

"Because of this re-allocation, Americans can look forward more than ever towards opening their cockamamie online organic grocery stores, art supply shops, private detective agencies, petting zoos, carpet cleaning companies, robot themed restaurants, biotech startups, homemade cookie baking whatever-you-call-its, hand painted greeting card enterprises – as if that could ever make any money - whatever they dream up or think of after seeing a fictional character do it on some TV show, with as little encumbrance as ever before," Barber said.

Barber emphasized that no formal business plan or proof of prior experience or knowledge of any kind needs to be submitted to the government for funding to be approved.

"Just go for it," Barber said, "Tell yourself that another coffee shop is just what the town you live in really needs."

National Journal Magazine political analyst Robert Scholes applauded the expedience of the Obama Administration's highly touted plan, scoffing at suggestions that similar sums of federal money be directed towards promoting the expansion of established business owners who actually know what they're doing.

"People like small business," said Scholes.