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Tailgating Tips for Real Men
• Alcohol abuse is fundamental to tailgating, so bring plenty of beer. Manly beer like Bud, Coors or Milwaukee's Best. Leave the faggy beer at home for your wife and kids. Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!
• Reuse your bottles by first drinking the beer out of them and then using them as projectiles against fans of the opposing team.
• The right food is essential to any tailgating party. Dogs, burgers and wings are the staples, but before heading to the store, find out if there is anyone in your group with diet restrictions so that you can prepare accordingly by sticking your dick in their chickpea curry.
• Don't forget to bring a football to toss around the crowded parking lot once you're completely annihilated. If anyone complains when your buddy bounces a long bomb off their car or little boy's head, call them a fag.
• Prepare a repertoire of chants and insults that are specifically tailored to denigrate fans of the opposing team. There are few things more embarrassing than getting caught calling two Fagles fans gay the same way in short succession.
• Once you get your parking spot and finish setting up, find where you and your pals can use the bathroom by gradually lowering your gaze until you are looking at the ground.
• Help your friends find you by floating a giant cock and balls from your car.
• If your team is playing Pittsburgh, you might expect your home stadium to be invaded by a large contingent of the Steeler Nation. This is incorrect, as most of these people have gone back to being 49ers fans.
• Buy your beer in bottles instead of cans as bottles can be easily converted into weapons.
• Parking spots at sports stadiums are typically small, so when tailgating park your car down the middle of two so you have more room. If someone has anything to say about it, say you’re sorry and shove a broken beer bottle in their face.
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