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Toilet Crisis Grows as Americans Now Needing to Flush Up To 100 Times

The nation's toilet troubles appear to be increasing by the day as Americans are now having to flush as many as 1,000 times every time they go.

"People have to flush 50, 100 times," President Trump announced to the press this morning.

The shocking new estimate comes just 48 hours after Trump revealed during a roundtable meeting with small business leaders that low flow fixtures were forcing Americans to flush 10-15 times per trip to the restroom.

"At this rate, by Thursday afternoon we'll all be flushing 500 times - or for approximately 8 hours - every time we go to the bathroom," Yale Professor of Hydrology Malcolm Grossman projected.

Warned Grossman: "By next Monday we'll all be spending the entirety of our waking lives flushing the toilet."

Perhaps more disturbing than the exponentially rising difficulty Americans are having disposing of their bodily waste is that it is occurring at the same time as similar increases in the time it is taking them to wash their hands and take showers.

"It takes ten hours to wash your hands and half a day to take a shower," the President said.

Added Trump to a stunned press corps: "I don't want to frighten anybody here, but it looks like we'll all be back to pooping out the window pretty soon."

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