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Trump: Trump Cabinet to Have Largest Penis Size in History

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer used the majority of his daily briefing today to discuss findings that, once all are confirmed, Donald Trump's cabinet will have the largest penis size of any cabinet ever assembled in US history.

"This number includes President Trump, whose penis is quite massive," Spicer pointed out in his opening remarks.

According to Spicer, compiled from exhaustive research conducted by the President himself over the past few days, the average penis size of Trump's cabinet designees is a whopping 7.3 inches - a full inch longer than second longest Millard P. Fillmore's cabinet of 1850, and nearly two inches longer than both of Bill Clinton's cabinets, neither of which topped five and one-half inches.

"In addition, this cabinet will also have by far the largest girth of any administration - to which I'm sure Elaine Chao and the other lady appointees would attest is of equal or even higher importance than length," Spicer went on prior to mentioning that Ben Carson, "Is packing a Rockstar can," and that Secretary of Commerce-designate Wilbur Ross is, "Hung like a baby elephant."

"The bottom line is that this cabinet is huge. Period. End of story," Spicer started to shout near the end of the conference before going on to challenge a member of the press corps who questioned the relevance of the claims being presented to a fight.

"Let's do this," Spicer demanded, gesturing for the man to approach the podium. "I'll end you," he said.

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