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Trump Takes Record 27th Consecutive White House Employee of the Month Award

President Trump selected himself as White House Employee of the Month this week, the 27th consecutive time he has conferred himself the same honor.

Calling it a "no-brainer" to assess his own performance superior to all others yet again, Trump praised himself for a job well done.

"What other President has crushed ISIS, not colluded with Russia and saved the Special Olympics all in the same month? President Trump, that's who," he answered his own question.

"I love the retarded," Trump added. "After all, I employed Jeff Sessions and Rex Tillerson for over a year."

Trump, who then took the opportunity to share his ideas for some new Special Olympics events, including 'using the sidewalk to walk their dog' and 'keeping quiet inside a restaurant', eventually got back on-topic.

"Honestly, Kellyanne was great last week, Ivanka's always terrific at what she does and Jared's probably just days away from curing AIDS and securing peace in the Middle East; but in the end, I mean, come on," he said.

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