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Trump Wins First Prize in White House Most Calm Contest

President Trump took first place in a calmness contest at the White House today, members of his staff reported.

Leaked to the media despite his wishes to keep the results confidential, the final tally of the competition reveals a President who is not only the most calm and collected individual to currently work at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but possibly to ever have ever served as Commander in Chief.

"Basically the test consisted of us all trying to do our work with any number of stressors going on," White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders described. "Mick (Mulvaney) had a guy jack hammering outside, he had a member of a tour fake like he was dying of a heart attack; it was all very distracting."

According to Sanders, nothing that was thrown their way seemed to shift the President's focus from his duty of keeping the country running like a well-oiled machine.

"At one point there was a man eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup very loudly in the room with him, but he didn't even seem to notice," Sanders said. "I have to be honest, I couldn't concentrate at all until that guy finished that bowl of soup, but Donald just kept tapping away at his phone like he wasn't even there."

At another point in the morning a couple could be overheard from an adjoining room arguing whether or not they'd ever eaten at a Black Angus - apparently without bothering Trump in the least.

"The guy kept insisting that they had eaten at a Black Angus once while visiting his parents in Tulsa, but the woman wouldn't give in, saying that she'd definitely remember if she'd ever eaten at a Black Angus. It was very annoying, but I guess not for the President," remarked Senior Adviser Jared Kushner.

Indeed, a survey of Trump's Twitter feed shows that the President posted an impressive 18 tweets during the 90 minute period that the contest was being conducted.

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