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US Bombs Haiti in Lieu of Syria

Entire neighborhoods in Port-au-Prince were reduced to rubble this morning as the United States commenced bombing Haiti in lieu of military action in Syria.

The attack on the defenseless, impoverished Caribbean nation was called "highly regrettable" by Deputy Defense Secretary Andrew Mitchell.

"In light of prevailing geopolitical conditions that have rendered direct military intervention against Syria unviable, we have begun bombing Haiti instead. It is highly regrettable that this terrible course of action was made necessary by the heinous acts committed by the Assad regime," Mitchell said.

Mitchell went on to say that the bombing of civilians in Haiti will continue until the atrocities being committed by the Syrian government against its own citizens come to an end.

In response to the bombing of his country, which has yet to recover from a catastrophic earthquake that struck in 2010, Haitian President Michel Martelly remarked: "What the hell? What is wrong with you people?"

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced in a press conference this afternoon that a request made by Martelly to stop the bombing has been forwarded to Syria.

"President Martelly should talk to Assad, not us," Carney said.

As of press time, unconfirmed reports indicate that the Russian army has retaliated against the United States bombing of Haiti by levelling the Estonian border village of Pattina with a massive artillery barrage.

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