New GM Underground Car Introduced, Banned

General Motors unveiled the "Gopher" today - a futuristic new line of car capable of burrowing under ground, astounding stockholders hoping for a comeback from the struggling American auto manufacturer.

Conceived with a flying model of car in mind, the Gopher was designed to enable drivers to evade cumbersome traffic congestion by digging under it at speeds up to two miles per hour - after company executives determined flying cars to be impractical and lacking public interest, sources say.

"I think it's safe to say that today marks a turning point for GM, one that will lead to a brighter and more prosperous tomorrow," cheered a buoyant CEO Fritz Henderson moments before the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration banned the Gopher from ever being sold or operated in the United States.

"Aside from having a fuel economy far, far below current federal standards, this vehicle would bore giant gaping holes and tunnels all over the place, and is the dumbest thing ever," read a statement from the NHTSA describing their decision.

According to a new opinion poll that would have been a really good idea to have conducted before the company committed a reported $4 billion dollars to the research, development and manufacture of the Gopher, 0.0% of all respondents indicated that they would want to own one.

"You know the kind of things there are underground?" pondered one car consumer, "I don’t know what kind of traffic you got in the town you live in, but I’ll take my chances that I can beat 2 MPH on the road than risk hitting a sewer line or one of those Indian burial grounds."

President Obama, who has emphatically denied any intention of running GM since the federal government assumed a 60 percent share in the company earlier this month, appears to be reconsidering his position in the Gopher’s wake.